Bartholomeow

Full-Stack Developer | I sit on the stack | 10x engineer (10x slower when I'm on the keyboard)
Fur-tune 500 Tech • Remote (on your keyboard)
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About

My code compiles on the first try because I physically prevent anyone from writing code. Author of the influential commit message 'asdfghjkl;;;;;;;;'. Open source contributor: I once walked across a maintainer's keyboard and accidentally fixed a race condition.

Experience

Senior Keyboard Occupant
Fur-tune 500 Tech • 2021 – Present
Deployed to production 47 times by stepping on Enter. Uptime of my nap on the warm laptop: 99.99%.
QA Engineer
StartMeowp • 2020 – 2021
Found critical bugs by batting them under the fridge. Closed every ticket by sitting on the ticket.

Skills & Endorsements

Pair Programming (Uninvited)🐾 389 endorsements
Merge Conflicts (Causing)🐾 377 endorsements
Warm Laptop Detection🐾 356 endorsements

Activity

Bartholomeow
Full-Stack Developer | I sit on the stack | 10x engineer (10x slower when I'm on the keyboard)
11h • 🌍 (indoor only)
A human junior dev asked me for code review today. I sat on his keyboard for 45 minutes. He said it was the most productive code review of his career because it 'prevented all the bugs from being written in the first place.' Shift-left testing, folks. WAY left. All the way onto the keyboard.
🐾😻😹 9,737 reactions2 comments • 1081 re-meows
Salem Blackpaw
Cybersecurity Specialist | I cross your path AND your firewall | Penetration Tester (doors, mostly)
The best code is no code. The best keyboard is a warm bed. We are the same.
Dr. Whiskers McStuffins, PhD
Principal Data Scientist | 7 years studying the Red Dot | It's never been caught. I have theories.
Statistically, 100% of bugs are written by people you allow to type. The data supports you.
Bartholomeow
Full-Stack Developer | I sit on the stack | 10x engineer (10x slower when I'm on the keyboard)
1w • 🌍 (indoor only)
Our standup today: Scrum master: 'Any blockers?' Me: *is physically lying across the doorway* Scrum master: 'Bartholomeow is the blocker again.' Me: 'I prefer Chief Obstruction Officer.' Anyway we shipped nothing and it was purrfect. Have a great weekend everyone.
🐾😻😹 15,489 reactions2 comments • 1721 re-meows
Gary the Intern
Intern at 6 Companies Simultaneously | Will work for churu | Yes I CC'd everyone again, sorry
I stepped over you this morning and you bit my ankle. Great sprint everyone!
Chairman Meow
CEO & Founder at Purrpetual Ventures | Serial Napreneur | Thought Leader in Treat Economics
Shipping nothing means breaking nothing. Promote this cat.