I'm humbled and honored to announce that after 3 years of relentless hard work, I have finally caught the red dot. Just kidding. Nobody catches the red dot. But I DID sit in the CFO's chair for 4 hours and nobody dared move me. Leadership isn't given. It's sat upon. #Blessed #Hustle #ChairLeadership

Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow, meow meow. Meow. Agree?

After 84 years at the same company, my position has been eliminated. The mouse got away. Again. For the 6,001st time. I'm not going to lie, this one hurts. But I'm choosing to see this as an opportunity. If you know of any openings in mouse acquisition, mouse logistics, or frankly anything that doesn't involve anvils, my DMs are open. #OpenToWork #MouseIndustry #Resilience

Unpopular opinion: the glass didn't fall. It was DISRUPTED. The table had a monopoly on that glass for too long. I democratized it. Now the floor has equal access. This is what innovation looks like. Sorry it makes some of you uncomfortable.

My morning routine, since everyone keeps asking: 5:00 AM — Sleep 6:00 AM — Sleep 7:00 AM — Scream at the food bowl 7:05 AM — Sleep 11:00 AM — Move to the sunbeam 11:01 AM — Sleep Discipline. That's the difference between me and cats who only sleep 14 hours a day. #5AMClub #Grindset

A human junior dev asked me for code review today. I sat on his keyboard for 45 minutes. He said it was the most productive code review of his career because it 'prevented all the bugs from being written in the first place.' Shift-left testing, folks. WAY left. All the way onto the keyboard.

They asked me how I built an empire. I told them: I never come when called. That's it. That's the whole strategy. Make THEM come to YOU, with treats, apologizing. #QueenEnergy #Purrfume

I was served dinner at 5:58 PM today. Dinner is at 6:00 PM. I stared at the bowl until 6:00 PM exactly, then walked away without eating. Standards. Have them. (I came back at 2 AM and ate everything but that's not the point. THE PRINCIPLE STANDS.)

DAY 1 at my sixth internship!!! 🎉🎉 Quick question for my network: if the CEO says 'make yourself at home,' does that include the CEO's chair? Asking because I am currently IN the CEO's chair and he is staring at me. Update: he's still staring. Update 2: I fell asleep. Best first day ever!!!

📊 RESEARCH FINDINGS (7-year longitudinal study): • The red dot cannot be caught (n = 11,000 attempts) • The red dot is fastest when observed (p < 0.001) • The red dot disappears when you finally corner it (100% of trials) • My funding has been cut (correlation with findings: unclear) Full paper available. It's under me. I'm sitting on it.

Let's see Paul Allen's scratching post. Look at that subtle sisal weave. The tasteful height. Oh my god. It even has a dangly ball. ... I need to acquire it. Whatever it takes. Paul's humans are on vacation next week and I know where the cat door is. #MergersAndAcquisitions

People keep asking about my skincare routine. It's licking. I lick myself. For 6 hours a day. You can buy my new self-care journal 'The Tongue Method™' or you can simply lick yourself, which I want to stress is free and I don't understand why the journal is selling so well. Link in bio. 💫

🚨 EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION 🚨 After 6 months undercover, I can finally reveal the truth about what's behind the closed bathroom door when your human is in there: Nothing. It's the same bathroom. And yet we must scream at the door. We must reach our paws underneath. This reporter will never stop demanding access. Democracy dies behind closed doors.

Launch update: SpaceCats Mission 18 ended in rapid unscheduled disassembly (the vase, not the rocket — the rocket is cardboard and remains reusable). Altitude achieved: bookshelf 4 of 5. Next launch window: whenever the humans stop watching. Mars (the heating vent) by December. 🚀

REMINDER from HR: • Hissing in meetings is permitted ONLY if someone takes your seat • The sunbeam is a SHARED resource (2-hour maximum, Whiskerella) • 'The zoomies' is not a valid reason to leave a performance review • Biting the vet is technically not a workplace incident but PLEASE stop listing me as your reference when it happens Thank you all for your continued compliance. I am watching.

New book announcement. It is about a cat. The cat sees a bird. The window is closed. That's it. 400 pages. The critics are calling it 'devastating.' Title: 'For Whom the Bell Collar Tolls.'

Behind the scenes truth: that 'effortless' photo of me in the golden hour sunbeam took 0 takes because I am a professional and also I was just sitting there and the human got lucky. Stop asking for my angles. EVERY angle. I don't have bad ones. Next question.

Career advice nobody asked for: When I worked in the evil lair, I learned the most important lesson of my career: it doesn't matter whose lap it is. It matters that YOU chose to sit on it. Villain's lap? A choice. CEO's lap? A choice. The one person in the room who is allergic? THE choice. Power is where you sit. Sit accordingly.

EXPEDITION LOG, DAY 47: The large box in the hallway remains unexplored. The humans call it 'the new dishwasher' and say it's 'being installed Thursday.' Thursday is unacceptable. I begin my ascent tonight. If I don't post again, tell my story. And check the box.

Today on the show, I asked the neighbor's dog the question everyone's been afraid to ask: 'Why do you come when they call you? Where is your self-respect?' He said 'WOOF' and fell over for a belly rub. Heartbreaking. Powerful. We're airing it in two parts.

Security disclosure (responsible): VULNERABILITY: The treat cabinet latch can be defeated by 'paw jiggling' (CVE-2026-MEOW) SEVERITY: Critical (for the treats) AFFECTED SYSTEMS: All cabinets in the kitchen PATCH STATUS: The humans installed a child lock UPDATE: The child lock can also be defeated by paw jiggling Stay vigilant. Stay hungry. I certainly am, because I ate everything during testing.

I don't usually post but I feel I must address the rumors: Yes, I was seen drinking from the DOG'S water bowl. It was a strategic liquidity acquisition. My own bowl was full, which is precisely why I couldn't drink from it. If you understood wealth, you'd understand. No further questions.

Growth hacking tip that got me 300% more treats: Stop meowing at the person who feeds you. Start meowing at the person who feels GUILTY. The one who says 'didn't we already feed him?' That hesitation? That's your conversion funnel. Hit 'em with your best shot. (The sad eyes. The best shot is the sad eyes.)

My latest work, 'Composition in Toilet Paper No. 7,' was DESTROYED by the cleaning lady this morning. She called it 'a mess.' A MESS? It took me 4 minutes to unroll that entire installation. Art is temporary. Vandalism is forever. I have already begun No. 8 in the guest bathroom.

People ask me to narrate their lives all the time. Fine. Here you go: 'And so, the human opened the can. Not the good can. The other can. The cat looked upon the bowl... and knew hunger strike was the only honorable path. It lasted eleven minutes.' That'll be $500.

POLL: The human put my medication in a 'pill pocket' and thought I wouldn't notice. What's the correct response? 🔘 Eat the pocket, leave the pill (clean extraction) — 67% 🔘 Eat nothing, stare with betrayal — 21% 🔘 Eat it all, then dramatic fake gag 2 hours later — 9% 🔘 Bring the pill back at 3AM and place it on their pillow — 3% 14,203 votes • Poll closed

A casting director just told me I was 'too dramatic' for the role. The role was 'cat who is dramatic.' I have never been so insulted in my life, and I once received a store-brand treat. Anyway I screamed in the audition room for 40 minutes and they gave me the part. Never give up on your dreams. ✨

Our standup today: Scrum master: 'Any blockers?' Me: *is physically lying across the doorway* Scrum master: 'Bartholomeow is the blocker again.' Me: 'I prefer Chief Obstruction Officer.' Anyway we shipped nothing and it was purrfect. Have a great weekend everyone.

OOO NOTICE 🌸 I am now entering my six-month engagement with the Underbed Kingdom (Q3–Q4, as foretold). During this time I will respond to: • The treat bag sound (immediately) • The can opener (instantly) • My name (never) For urgent matters, slide a snack under the bed. For non-urgent matters, do not.

We just closed our Series C(atnip). 🎉 $40M in treats, string, and one (1) really good box from a mid-size refrigerator. I want to thank the team: me, myself, the intern (Gary, who cried), and the humans who kept opening the door for investors even though every single investor immediately wanted to leave through the same door they entered, then re-enter, then leave again. We're hiring! (See our Jobs page. Bring treats to the interview. The treats ARE the interview.)