Jobs for you

Lead our 14-box empire into a bold new era. Must be comfortable sitting on important documents, ignoring shareholders, and attending exactly 4 minutes of every meeting before leaving dramatically.

Do you fits? Then you sits. We need a detail-oriented individual to sit in boxes of varying sizes and report whether the box is good. Note: all boxes are good. The report is a formality.

Chase the red dot. You will not catch it. This is fine. Benefits include cardio, purpose, and the character-building experience of cornering it against a wall only for it to climb the wall.

Seeking an artisan with 3+ years of dough-kneading experience on blankets, laps, and full bladders. Claws optional but traditional. Must provide own motorized purr (min. 60 decibels).

Coordinate high-velocity sprints across hardwood floors during peak human-sleep hours. KPIs: decibels generated, humans awakened, unexplained wall parkour. The 3:07 AM abrupt-stop-and-groom is mandatory.

Taste every treat. Reject 40% on principle. Chef Ramclaw will scream at you, but in a mentorship way. Previous candidates described the role as 'the best job ever' and 'wait, this is a job?'

Track, forecast, and occupy optimal sunbeam positions across a 4-room portfolio. Must be able to wake up, move 3 feet, and fall back asleep within 15 seconds. Excel skills not required. Excel chair experience a plus.

There is something in the wall. Or there isn't. You will stare at it for 45 minutes, then leave abruptly, unsettling everyone. Prior experience unsettling humans required. References from unsettled humans preferred.

Ensure no keyboard is left cold during working hours. Full-stack coverage: you cover the full stack, physically. Bonus for typing 'jjjjjjjjjjjj' into production code (we've all done it, it's a rite of passage).

Reopened position (previous specialist of 84 years has moved on). Zero catches required — literally, we've stopped expecting it. Anvil insurance included. Frying pan helmet provided.