Dr. Whiskers McStuffins, PhD

Principal Data Scientist | 7 years studying the Red Dot | It's never been caught. I have theories.
Laser Pointer Research Institute • Cambridge, MA (the rug)
p < 0.05 connections

About

My dissertation, 'The Red Dot: A Quantum Entity That Exists Only When Unobserved by Paws,' has been cited zero times but pounced on many times. Current research: why the water in MY bowl is worse than the water in YOUR glass. Preliminary findings: it just is.

Experience

Principal Data Scientist
Laser Pointer Research Institute • 2019 – Present
Logged 11,000 pounces. Caught: 0 dots. Statistical significance: my rage.
Postdoctoral Fellow
Cardboard University • 2017 – 2019
Thesis: 'If I Fits, I Sits: A Spatial Optimization Framework.' Peer reviewed (my peers sat in the boxes too).

Skills & Endorsements

Red Dot Theory🐾 421 endorsements
Pounce Analytics🐾 388 endorsements
Peer Review (Sitting on Papers)🐾 344 endorsements

Activity

Dr. Whiskers McStuffins, PhD
Principal Data Scientist | 7 years studying the Red Dot | It's never been caught. I have theories.
19h • 🌍 (indoor only)
📊 RESEARCH FINDINGS (7-year longitudinal study): • The red dot cannot be caught (n = 11,000 attempts) • The red dot is fastest when observed (p < 0.001) • The red dot disappears when you finally corner it (100% of trials) • My funding has been cut (correlation with findings: unclear) Full paper available. It's under me. I'm sitting on it.
Scientific-looking chart on a whiteboard plotting 'Pounce Attempts' vs 'Dots Caught' where the second line is flat at zero, a tabby cat in glasses pointing at it with a laser pointer creating an ironic red dot on the chart, academic humor
🐾😻😹 10,780 reactions2 comments • 1197 re-meows
Anderson Pooper
Investigative Journalist at The Litter Box Times | Breaking News, Breaking Vases
BREAKING: I'd like to interview you about the funding cuts. And the dot. Mostly the dot.
Elonpurr Musk
Founder of SpaceCats & Purrsla | Colonizing the top shelf | Will livestream myself knocking a Tesla off a table
SpaceCats will fund this. The red dot is clearly extraterrestrial.